Tuesday, February 22, 2011

walls and walls and walls

Like it always does, life goes on. The sting of losing Gordon has subsided. I hate that it has because all the Gordon-ness is absent from my life. The sting at least made it feel like he was with me a little.

I am speeding up my reading progress, which is great. I know I can probably get away with doing a lot less than I am. I do want to make the process worthwhile. My biggest problem is concentrating. I'm struggling with staying on task. The internet, the cats, my toenails, the litter box, the laundry, grocery shopping, tooth brushing. Any and everything deserves my attention other than the task at hand. I'm sure I'm describing almost everyone's life here and saying nothing particularly special.

Part of the reason I feel like this is the floaty-ness of my current existence. My house is coming together. Chris is in Baltimore. I am homesick. Uprisings are happening everywhere. Here I am in a city I don't particularly care for reading somewhat obscure books theorizing the real things that are actually happening and struggling to write a document that three people will read. At least I am grading papers that nobody wanted to write and I certainly don't want to read. It all feels so useless and like a grand waste of time.

My angst is real but it's so boring, I swear to g-d. I read a study that Facebook makes people kind of depressed because it looks like other people are having a great time and here you are, lonely, in this virtual reality, looking at peoples' weddings and parties and fabulous vacations thinking, "my life is so boring." I feel like that nonetheless. I just want to go home. I know I am wrongly thinking of going home as a panacea and I fear I will always be waiting for my life to start. Shit, I'm probably half way through it (knock on wood), shouldn't I realize that this is it?

A lot of this rambly bullshit post is to say that I don't think I'll really ever feel comfortable in a world like this. I am coming to accept it. I have strongly internalized the pain of injustice and the magnitude of wrong-living. I don't think I'll be able to shake it off, especially if I've made it my job to hole myself in my house and read about it. I envy those that are conscious but still able to find the beauty and joy in the world. I am praying that my Baltimore community will do just that.