Saturday, June 22, 2013

Energetic dogs and torn MCLs

Exactly one week ago today, I was walking my neighbor's dog and BAM!, he struck the outside of my knee. I immediately felt intense pain and instability. A wave of sweat poured over me. With the help of my friend Jean, who had just arrived at the park, I hobbled home and knew that I had to go to the ER. I called my mommy in tears and we went to the local hospital that (supposedly) specializes in orthopedics. This hospital has a great reputation but I've never had particularly good experiences there. This time was no exception. I was seen by a very frazzled physician's assistant who x-rayed me, gave me a cast, said I have a "sprained knee"(meaningless diagnosis) and sent me on my merry way. Upon further reading, he did exactly what he was supposed to do so I can't fault him for that. But he was not terribly forthcoming about why he made the decisions he made and for that, I am not thrilled with the care I received. His ambiguity led me to skulk around on the internet for hours imagining worst-case-scenarios. 

I have an amazing guy that I see on occasion who is a chiropractor but also a general sports medicine practitioner. I trust him and I don't trust too many doctors. I made an appointment with him on Tuesday thinking he'd talk me off the ledge - as he usually does with my mild aches and pains that I go to him with. This time, with one look at my knee, I saw his countenance drop. I knew this was different. Granted, given I couldn't bend my knee at all, I already knew this was different. He order an MRI. He told me to have the results sent to him. He'd read them that day and tell me what was going on. Turns out I have a high grade tear in my medial collateral ligament (MCL). From the MRI report, it appears that I do not have corresponding injury to my anterior collateral ligament (ACL) or meniscus. This is surprising because it is usually the case that an injury as severe as the one to my MCL has corresponding ACL and meniscal strain. In any case, I've been referred to a surgeon. 

I'll be very surprised if I do not have corresponding injuries. An MCL tear rarely requires surgery but, again, it is not terribly likely I won't have other issues given the severity of my injury. Maybe this will be a stroke of good luck in all of this. I don't know. But the longer I don't know, the harder it is to cope. This is so for several reasons. 

Let's start with the easiest one. I'm not accustomed to immobility. I rely on my body for almost everything (I know, who doesn't?). I cycle or walk for transportation. I teach yoga for my living. I do yoga to relieve stress. Ideally, I should be spending my time reading all those books I've said I haven't had time to read. But I'm so distracted and distressed, I can't focus all that well. 

Also, I can't teach yoga right now. Chris and I have been living hand-to-mouth for a good while now. It's been *very* stressful. Relatedly, I've been trying to pay down my tuition before I shelled out the expense of health insurance. Yup. I'm facing knee surgery and I'm uninsured and can't earn half my living.

I've written about health care before. I've called this very situation one of my biggest fears. And here I am, staring down the barrel of what to me looks like insurmountable debt. I should preface this rant by acknowledging that I have tremendous resources at my disposal that will lighten this burden. I have an amazing friend whose first instinct was to organize a fundraiser. I have a mother who is going to help me with the costs. I have another amazing friend who is a hospital social worker and can help me navigate the system. I have yet another person who is a PTA and is siphoning free medical advice. I have friends who are walking my dog. I have a partner content to wait on me hand and foot. I have a lot of friends who have been supporting me in all sorts of ways through this. 

But what if I didn't have a network of people that had the capacity to help me through this in this way? I'm going to fall through some cracks for sure. I'm carrying a burden for sure. I'm very depressed about this - as this was just another setback in a series of blows this year. However, in another context, this could have been the thing that destroyed me. This could have been the thing that made me lose my home. 

Seriously. I'm living paycheck to paycheck - just barely. I'm working two paid jobs, working on my PhD, co-running an events space, taking care of 5 pets, and trying to have friendships like a normal person. I was in a position where I was walking on a very thin tightrope and praying that the line would not snap. It snapped and I am lucky enough to have an interpersonal safety net below me. 

That said, my society would let me fail. I can tell you the myriad of reasons why our society is broken. Hell, if you read this blog or are friends with me on Facebook, you are likely familiar with my perspective. Yet, knowing all of the vested interests that maintain a wasteful, private, for-profit system that doles out decent healthcare only to the most healthy and/or most moneyed and/or those who chose/have/were lucky enough to get jobs that provided it, I still feel guilty for not prioritizing health insurance. 

That's how culture works. We live in a culture that tells us if we fail, if we're needy or vulnerable, we probably could have made better choices. This is how I feel. I feel like I should have gotten health care. I feel like this is my fault. I am embarrassed that I can't take care of myself and that, at close to 40, I'm asking my mother for money. 

It's kind of like knowing that all the models in the magazines are airbrushed but still hating your thighs when you look in the mirror. Cultural ideologies are powerful and intellectualizing cultural/political/social messages is very different than the power of internalizing the dominant ideological messages that are so easy to see through when it's not you in a cast facing surgery.