do you remember a time when you were happy?

I have always been a moody gal. Anyone who's known me for any period of time knows that I have a fiery temper, though it's gotten much better over the years. I've learned to control it. You all can thank yoga for that too.* I am not a cryer. I generally only cry during SPCA commercials and when I am extremely frustrated. I don't cry at funerals. I cry in my dreams. I yell at people unreasonably in my dreams as well. The rage and sorrow are in me. I sometimes think they're going to develop into a stomach tumor or something. I believe the poisoned nature of the world, not just chemically but psychically, results in ugly growths in the body - lumps and knots and tumors.

Chris and I were talking last night about happiness. I asked him if he remembered a time when he was happy. Being Chris, he said, "What does happiness mean? I can only be happy to the extent that the world allows. I'll never live in the world I want to live in so I can't claim that I'll ever be happy in it. Have you ever been happy?"

Have I ever been happy? I guess this term "to be happy" is a loaded one. To be happy with one's life suggests that there is a state of equilibrium, that at some point nothing needs to change. Buddhist philosophy would say, "Hey you! Yeah you, the one with all the attachments. You are setting yourself up for a heap of trouble!" Like being newly in love. It's really easy to become attached to all that bliss. It fades. And being a partner, a real partner, is another sort of happiness. To me, being "happy" is the occasional thing. Strangely, I am usually happiness when I am full of hope. Hope is the closest I get.

I think Chris is right. I have opened my eyes to the world around me and while I have to close them in order to go on, or breathe deeply in order to get it out of my body, I can never forget. No matter how comfortable I get, I know that I am living on a house of cards. I find that frightening and sad. I know people who feel really blessed and really content in their worlds as they are in it now. I am not suggesting that they are naïve or they're eyes are "closed" or anything. But it does seem as if they can shake it off. I envy them.

At a panel on punk rock, my friend Katy said that she realizes that she feels things real hard. She likened living in this world as being inflicted with tiny little paper cuts all over her body all the time. One can keep moving, but it hurts. One gets used to the pain, but it's always there. I guess I am "happy" when I can forget for a moment, listen to a great song, laugh, breathe into the pain, and hope. I just wish I could cry.

*I am by no means suggesting that yoga is a panacea but it sure did help me a lot. I believe with every bone in my body that it's the reason I don't drink as much as I could, yell as much as I used to, and generally abuse my body in other ways.