How do detect my mood this past month

It's pretty easy these days to tell how I'm feeling. Is Gordon eating? Yes? I'm happy! Is Gordon not eating? I'm going to cry any minute.

Gordon, my cat, is one of my favorite living beings on the planet. I love that little guy so much my heart feels like it's all Gordon some days. So when he fainted started losing weight this summer, I couldn't get over my horrible feeling that something was terribly wrong even though the vet could not detect any discernible problem. When I got back from my two-month stint in Baltimore - which is the longest I've ever been separated from Gordon - he was scary skinny. I finally took him to the vet when there was blood in his poo. He was diagnosed with colon cancer. Luckily, the cancer hadn't spread which I still have a hard time believing given the amount of time the it went untreated. Therefore, we (we meaning Chris) spend an ungodly amount of money having the tumor removed. He seems to be doing well, all things considered. But he's a more picky eater these days and the cat food I've been feeding him is of inconsistent quality. So, some days he eats and I think he'll live another 2 years. Other days he doesn't, and I prepare for his imminent demise at any moment.

It's really hard to watch someone you love die. That Gordon can't tell me how he feels and that I can't tell him that one batch of food is different from the other so stop looking at me with those big eyes as if I've purposefully taken away all that is delicious in the world and that I can't know when the tumor is returning... all of these things absent the power of language to communicate with him means that I watch Gordon like a hawk in order to figure out which moment will be the one where I have to decide whether I should continue his life or not. Already, one must intuitively communicate with their pets meaning that the relationship is very deep - if you let it be.

Living with this new reality is really hard. One's relationship with their companion animal is an incredibly intimate and personal one. I have lived with Gordon for over 11 years. I can barely remember a time without him in my everyday existence. As the years have passed, our relationship has grown quite deep and we know each other well. I am so devastated by the fact that sooner, rather than later, this beautiful little creature will slip out of my life.

And so I focus on his eating habits. Gordon eating? Happy Heather. Gordon not eating? Crumpled grieving mess Heather.