Hardness

I have been told that I am "hard." This has recently been said to me by several people in several different contexts which leads me to assume that it's something that people see in me as a defining trait. Even people I would define as "hard" see me this way.

What do I mean by hard? I think there are several ways that this manifests. The first is that I'm hard on myself. I've heard that I don't give myself a break. I don't let myself make mistakes. I have very high standards for myself. As a result, I'm hard on other people. I have similarly high standards for them. And because I am in the business of evaluating people, this makes me seem unrealistic, harsh, unapproachable, and not warm.

Let me be more specific. I went out a few weeks ago with some friends. I drank more than I usually do (which means more than two drinks) and stayed out a little later than I usually do (which means past 10). I was told that, as I got drunker, I got warmer, less "hard." This came from someone who might be considered one of the more rigid people I know. Someone who is notorious for (their) insensitivity and rigidity. I was kind of floored.

To piggy-back on my last post, this has also manifested, of course, in teaching. My evaluations tend towards these adjectives: knowledgeable, organized, harsh. "Harsh" comes up a lot. I think I'm harsh in two ways. First, I am a "harsh" grader. Second, I have a "harsh" demeanor. Perhaps I see the ever-diminishing standards of higher education as a trend to buck rather than give in to. Of course, if I perceive that a student really is in trouble, I am more than willing to accommodate her. But, I'm very suspicious of excuses and, frankly, some students are manipulative. In my opinion, if I allow them to get away with pulling fast ones, it shows that that kind of behavior pays off. I think a lot of TAs and professors give students the benefit of the doubt because 1. it's the compassionate thing to do and, 2. it's easier than fighting. I'll admit to tending toward just saying, "okay fine..." and letting the student do xyz just because I don't feel like fighting. But most times, I don't bite. That said, I can kind of tell when a student is really worn down and struggling. In those cases, it's usually a student who put in the time and effort and all of a sudden, their tendencies change - they stop coming to class, the quality of their work drops suddenly. In these cases, of course, compassion is the way to go.

I know that a huge part of my 'hardness' in school is because I started teaching when I was 25, I looked like a teenager, and when I tried to be buddy buddy with everyone, people walked all over me. No way. So I start off hard and lighten up, so that they know there is a side to me that they just don't want to see. I am not sure if it's great pedagogy, but it works, for the most part. Hey, we live in a misogynistic world. I can't be that great dude who won't be called a 'bitch' for having standards.

While I am aware that I cultivate a certain tough exterior in the classroom, it makes me sad to hear that this is how I am perceived in other areas of my life. Chris has even noted it. In fact, he once said the very words, "You are so hard." What is it? Is it that I've developed a particular exterior so that I can live in a world that breaks my heart? Is it that I've struggled, somewhat, in my life and I didn't 'give into it' and now don't tolerate 'softness'? I'm not sure. And I'm not sure what to change about myself so that I come off as warmer or something. Or if I want to change.

Warning: yoga analogy coming up. I was in a yoga workshop last week with this dude who was super strong and doing a ton of handstands and arm balances, etc. Stuff that requires strength. Strength as always been my forte in yoga. Flexibility has always been my struggle. I've been told over and over again that I over-work in poses. I was chatting with a woman before the workshop started and she's super flexible but has a real difficulty with strength-based poses - pretty much the 'opposite' of me. She said people who are strong physically often have strong/willed personalities to match. She said that she was not very strong willed and that showed in her body.

Anyway, this rambly note is to say that people have noticed a hardness in me either lately or always and have been commenting on it. I can't help but think that this is the 'universe' (or whatever) telling me something.