I'm a teacher

I used to think that teaching was my calling. I used to walk out of the classroom thinking: "This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Getting excited that students' minds were changing, thinking through complex questions, etc. felt important and challenging. I realize I am on a stage to be evaluated just as it is my job to evaluate them. And just as students feel demoralized from a bad evaluation, I too feel frustrated when I am told that my work is sub-par. 

I know that everyone is not going to like what I have to say. I understand that 75% are there out of obligation and see this as a transaction on their future. I hate that I lose my cool with students when they act like children but expect to be treated like adults or like those who tell me, "Well why do black people get to call me a cracker but I don't get to call them a n*gger?" But there are so many aspects to this job that I am just plain sick of that I'm seriously evaluating whether or not I want to continue after I am done my PhD. Every year, grading tests and papers gets harder for me (it's so tedious). Every year, watching students fuck around on gchat, twitter and facebook while in the classroom makes me wretch and die inside a little more. Each time I see masses of people completely unmoved by and unconvinced of ongoing injustice in the world, I want to weep. Each time I hear a student complain that I don't post my lecture notes on the internet I want to strangle. Every time I'm called "opinionated" while a male colleague is called "passionate" or he "tells it like it is" I want to scream. Each year I find all of this more difficult to shake off.