self-

Anyone who has known me for a while knows that I struggle a lot with who I am. I suffer with envy. I envy people who have the skills I don't or the resolve that I don't or the sensibilities or natural talents or inclinations that I don't. And the list of things that I wish I "were" or could be is long. This is in part why I am drawn to certain aspects of yoga philosophy.

I think I am a good writer but I don't know if I am a profound thinker. I am okay with that some days (though less so whilst in school). I know I am smart, but I also know it takes me a while to figure shit out. That said, the one thing I do know and can say with some authority - I am a good teacher. I know that and I love love love teaching. One aspect of my talents is to boil down a complex idea and make it accessible and to some extent exciting (even if not rigorous).

Upon approaching the end of course work, I am starting to read stuff that I want to read. Lately, I am really interested in anarchism and the minutia of collective process. I believe in the liberatory potential of collective process. As a teacher, I wonder, I really do wonder, how likely it is to pull people into believing that collective process is a good way forward. I have seen how hard it is and how much time it takes up. I have seen people rip each other to shreds. I have avoided collective situations in which I see that happening and then guiltily enjoy the fruits of their labor.

This is obviously piggybacking on my last post. I went to the Toronto Anarchist Assembly and Bookfair this past weekend and I love these gatherings. I loved seeing people walking around with homemade vegan food and their dogs - making stuff and hugging and listening to rad music and reading great books and making great zines. It's amazing to watch community unfold in that way. But it is a subculture and it has its own codes (but what collective process doesn't, right?). It makes me wonder how to tap into the profound humanity I see in a lot of my students and harness their compassion into movements. On what scale do activists see the work unfolding and how much of a learning curve is tolerable in activist community?

As such, I think about intermediary institutions like the Highlander School or Mountain Justice Summer or "alternative" education systems like the Sudbury schools and I begin to recommit myself to "education as the practice of freedom". I am beginning re-believe (I lost something somewhere, probably in the process of grading papers) in education as a way to introduce people to radically different forms of social organization than they are used to. While I certainly think I want to finish my PhD, I want to teach above all else and I still consider other forms of education as a possible life path.

I frankly have to learn to appreciate my skills as they are right now and stop beating myself up because I am not the most poignant thinker in the classroom or the most dedicated activist with the best analysis and skills at the meeting or the most flexible yogi or even the best teacher. I have to forgive myself for my "selfish" pursuits (yoga, house buying, movie watching with Chris) and remember, as a colleague and friend once told me, the work will always be there. And I have to do the work as I can do it and let it go when I can't. If I want to do this for the rest of my life, I have to make my life sustainable because I have burned the candle at both ends and I have burnt out and gone crazy (literally) and dropped out and I don't want to do that again.