twin crises

I am back in Baltimore and it really does feel like home. I am eager to "begin" my life here - for it to take some semblance of the shape that it will. But I think I've spent most of my life waiting for my life to start. I've just completed my first comp and I'm now trying to think through the second one. However, moving back here makes that life seem so distant, even though it was only a week ago. This distance is what I feared - that school and its culture will seem hopelessly out of touch with my experiences.

The house still needs a ton of work. We are in the process of laying the floors. We anticipate that will take up all of this week and a bit of next. Then there is the detail work that comes after. This is all feeling very rushed by the fact that my cats are staying at my mom's place and there's definitely an expiration date on the sentiment. So what would perhaps otherwise feel like an enjoyable experience feels rushed and stressful. In frustration I keep crying. I haven't yet hung out with anyone in a relaxed way and my mind is single-tracked for sure.

Freddy, my tabby cat, is really struggling with this transition. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about putting him through this. Clearly his last person didn't care and just threw him into the alley. But I feel so bad for him. I spent the night at my mom's on Monday night and the poor little guy meowed all night. I can't wait for him to get here and watch the birds all day and get cuddles and love.